Sunday, 9 December 2012

The Cup That Time Forgot

[Originally published in Issue 7 of Well Red magazine - April / May 2011]





 
 
 
Rome. Istanbul. Paris. Dortmund. Wembley.  The settings for some of our greatest triumphs. Occasions that are embedded in Liverpool folklore. Matches that live on in our songs and in our memories. Trophies that illuminate and define our history.  For, as was often said, before Ian Ayre and his bean-counting bosses moved the goalposts, Liverpool FC exists only to win trophies.


The longer we went without success, the more intense our yearning for silverware. It is therefore only right that we approach each new season with a burning desire to be victorious in every competition we enter, be it the smugly self-regarding Premier League, the unjustifiably pompous Europa League or the sporting equivalent of Netto’s own-brand cornflakes, the Capital One Cup. 


But it hasn’t always been like that.  Mention the name “Screen Sport Super Cup” to Merseyside football supporters of a certain vintage and you’re likely to be met with a weary shrug of indifference and the same kind of resigned apathy that enables slack-jawed charisma void, Vernon Kay, to maintain a media career free from the threat of chemical castration. To the uninitiated, victory in the ironically-titled Super Cup represents further confirmation of Liverpool’s 80’s pre-eminence. To those unfortunate enough not to have expunged all traces of it from their memories, it was a tournament that no-one wanted to enter and no-one was bothered about winning.  In hindsight, it was doomed from the outset.

 
 

 
 
 
 
One of the by-products of the expulsion of English teams from European competition in the wake of the Heysel disaster was the loss of lucrative revenue streams for the qualifying clubs.  In an attempt to plug the income gap the Football League, under the adroit governance of human raincloud, Graham Kelly, hit upon the idea of a tournament involving those teams directly affected.  And so, with notions of glory and the pursuit of excellence taking a backseat to cold economic pragmatism, the Super Cup was born. 


Admittedly, the prospect of a midweek trek to Norfolk or Salford was shrouded in slightly less glitter than a trip to Vienna or Bilbao (or Runcorn, if truth be told), but beggars, we were reminded, could not afford to be choosers. However, given the lack of enthusiasm from the competing parties, the diffidence of the television companies and the failure to attract worthwhile sponsorship, an inter-club Top Trumps championship may have held more widespread appeal.  And would certainly have carried greater prestige.


Effectively, the Super Cup brought together some of the biggest names in the football stratosphere – Liverpool, Manchester United, er…Norwich – locked them in a disused warehouse, encouraged them to chuck pieces of mouldy cake at each other for a couple of hours and then forgot about them. It was an exercise in futility, derided, devalued and unloved, and ultimately amounted to little more than a passing curiosity, a scribbled postscript at the bottom of Liverpool’s extensive roll-call of honours.


Which is not to say that it was a competition totally without interest.  As one of the 16,000 people at Anfield for our opening game, against an equally unenthused Southampton team, it was a rare treat to witness a situation where the voices of the players drowned out the noise of the crowd.  If nothing else, it was a valued insight into how life must be as an Everton season ticket holder. 


Similarly, the sight of Ron Atkinson’s Manchester United finishing bottom of their three team group behind both Everton and Norwich, winless after four matches, provided amusement to rank alongside Paul Walsh’s mullet-gone-wild or Howard Kendall’s IMAX forehead.


 
 
 
With the bare minimum of effort, Liverpool progressed to the final, a two-legged affair against our beloved neighbours, although it was by now abundantly clear that this was a tournament to rank somewhere alongside the coveted ‘Tidiest Moustache’ award on the club’s wider list of priorities. 


Like a bloated Dr. Frankenstein acutely aware of the horror of its creation, the Football League belatedly realised it had to destroy the Super Cup.  What better way to achieve this than to shunt the final, the showpiece event, back a season, staging it more than twelve months after the competition’s initial commencement?  And, in bitter acknowledgement of its failure to fire the imagination of the media, to rename it after the unknown cable channel that eventually agreed to sponsor it, at a market rate rumoured to be the equivalent of seven Chomp bars and an old Billy Joel album?

 

In fairness the two-legged final provided much to enjoy, with an Everton team containing players of the calibre of Peter Billing, Kevin Langley and Neil Adams meekly surrendering, both home and away, to an oddly motivated Liverpool. Although the 7-2 aggregate scoreline is remembered now principally for Ian Rush’s five-goal haul, my personal highlight took place in the first leg at Anfield, when Steve McMahon’s long range header exploded into Bobby Mimms’ net, a strike that contravened several commonly accepted laws of physics and geometry.


Passage of time makes it easy to over-romanticise such incidents.  Take Jan Molby’s legendary goal against Manchester United in 1985.  In my mind’s eye I still see Big Jan ploughing through United players like a portly Robocop on a mission to rescue an imperilled kebab, before detonating a shot to leave keeper, Gary Bailey, with a face coated in black ash in the style of  Wile E. Coyote after a cartoon explosion.  Similarly, to me McMahon will always be suspended eight feet off the ground somewhere near the Anfield centre circle, the ball exploding from his forehead with the velocity of a speeding truck, accompanied by the thud of 20,000 jaws simultaneously hitting the floor in awed wonder.  This is my Super Cup memory and no-one can take it away from me.


Legend has it that, during the lap of honour after the Goodison victory, Ian Rush presented the Super Cup trophy to one of the ball-boys and told him to keep it in his bedroom.  Whether he did as instructed or exchanged it for a pack of Panini stickers in the schoolyard the following morning has gone undocumented. Suffice to say, it was never required again.  The competition was abandoned as a failed experiment with as much haste as it was introduced.


It wasn’t missed.


But at least it was a trophy.  Wasn’t it?



Thursday, 5 July 2012

Teenage Kicks: The Magic of Brazil '82

[This article was originally published in the first issue of Late Tackle magazine, Sept-Oct 2011]

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The thing about memories is they're always there for you. They sit patiently somewhere round the back of your cerebral cortex until summoned into action on a moment’s whim, to provide a rose-tinted window to a time long gone.

Like many compulsive nostalgists, a great number of my fondest memories are football-related. Years are defined by Cup Finals, summers by World Cups. To me, the word ‘panini’ will always evoke the youthful excitement of tearing open a pack of pristine football stickers, and the inevitable deflation on finding yet another Paul Mariner, rather than being some fancy shorthand for a squashed Italian sarnie.

It is, however, easy to romanticise childhood memories. Generally speaking, a wide-eyed 14 year old is more easily impressed than a jaded 40-something and, with passage of time often serving as an aid to embellishment, it is only wise to approach an old man’s reminiscences with a certain amount of caution. That said, and with a clear mind and an unshakeable conviction, I urge you to cast aside your scepticism, to charge your glasses, be upstanding, and raise a toast to the purveyors of the most beautiful football this weary cynic has been fortunate enough to witness.

In most cases, a football team’s greatness is affirmed by its successes. It is rare for a team to ultimately fail yet still be widely regarded as the best of its generation. Notable exceptions include Hungary in the 1950s and Holland in the 1970s, sides which captured the imagination of the world despite falling at the final hurdle.

That the Brazil team of 1982 failed is undeniable, but never has failure looked quite so magnificent. Were it not for them, the World Cup in Spain would have been remembered chiefly for Gerry Armstrong’s bustle, Claudio Gentile’s savagery and Kevin Keegan’s inability to find an empty net from six yards out. We owe them our deepest thanks.

The Pictures On My Wall

 The names have been ingrained on my consciousness for nearly 30 years now. Valdir Peres. Junior. Leandro. Oscar. Luizinho. Cerezo. Falcao. Zico. Socrates. Eder. Serginho. If I close my eyes I’m instantly back there, rushing home from school to take up my place, transfixed, in front of the telly, a Texan Bar in one hand, a Rubik’s Cube in the other (it was the ‘80s, it’s what we did - ask Peter Kay).

With a freedom of expression seldom seen either before or since, this Brazil team produced football that spoke of endless opportunity and breathtaking spectacle. Their endless fluidity and failure to follow conventionally prescribed tactical formations would reduce modern day analysts to blubbering wrecks. This truly was, in the prescient words of Alan Partridge, ‘liquid football.’

A nominal 4-2-3-1 set-up would typically convert to something that loosely resembled a 2-1-5-2 approach, but in reality even this fails to do justice to the positional flexibility of Tele Santana's team. Orchestrated by the irrepressible genius of Zico, ably abetted by the chain-smoking, expansively bearded, toweringly elegant Socrates, Brazil's attacking philosophy was crystal clear. In basic terms it was the ultimate manifestation of several age-old clichés: “Let the ball do the work.” “No matter how many the opposition score, we'll score more.” “Attack is the best form of defence.”




Whereas the currently dominant Spain team specialise in intricate short passing patterns, content to bide their time to prise out an opening, Brazil opted for 30 yard one-twos, overwhelming opponents by the sheer variety of their play and the range of options that they fashioned at will. One-touch, two-touch, pass and move and move some more, flicks and tricks.

They could exploit the width offered by perpetually overlapping full-backs, Junior & Leandro, the direct (in every sense) precursors of Roberto Carlos and Cafu. They could drive through the middle, with Zico dropping deep undetected to take possession before crafting passes of such precision it was as if they has been designed using nanotechnology.

In truth, they could do whatever they pleased. There was no obvious game-plan, no agenda, no secret formula. There was a ball and a million different ways to get it into the net.

All of which is not to say that this was a team without weakness. Perhaps inevitably, any concept of defence seemed an afterthought, as if it was an unsightly blemish on the overall aesthetic. Whether this reflected naivety or arrogance, ultimately it was to be their undoing.

They fielded a goalkeeper who bore all the physical hallmarks of a disillusioned accountant and performed like a man who felt that goalkeeping was something that disillusioned accountants really shouldn’t get involved in.

And centre forward Serginho was the only Brazilian in history to be able to control a ball further than most players could kick it. Stepping in at late notice to replace the injured (and more obviously talented) Careca, Serginho was in the mould of a classic English number 9. Big, strong, good in the air and as subtle as a housebrick to the back of the head. It was, in some ways, akin to adorning Michelangelo’s David with a pair of plastic comedy breasts and a jester’s hat.

Totally Wired

 
Their path through the World Cup was littered with moments to treasure. I implore those who remain unconvinced to undertake the requisite YouTube search. Start with the two late goals in the opening match against Russia, after the hapless Peres had casually ushered a speculative long range effort into his own goal, as if he felt his teammates needed a bit more of a challenge.

The response was unequivocal. First Socrates exploded a shot of such force into the roof of the net it could have conceivably demolished a tower block, while Eder, with a flourish that seemed to suggest this was a team intent on cementing its legacy, teed up a rolling ball and unleashed a swerving, dipping volley that left Russian keeper Dasaev, considered by many the world's best, rooted to the spot like a rusty oil-rig.



In the next match, against a Scotland team that could boast the likes of Souness, Dalglish, Wark, Strachan and Hansen, Brazil gave a masterclass of relaxed, inventive attacking football. After again falling behind to an early Narey effort, they simply stepped up to a gear that was beyond anything most teams could envisage. Zico curled a free kick into the top corner that could not have been more precise had its trajectory been plotted by NASA, a triumph of technique and unerring accuracy. But even this was upstaged by a sublime angled chip from Eder that left hapless Scottish keeper Alan Rough wondering whether repeated World Cup humiliation was some kind of karmic retribution for once sporting the worst footballer’s perm since Bob Latchford.


Zico again took centre stage against Argentina, poking home from close range after an Eder free kick, which changed direction more than a latter day Radiohead album, crashed against the crossbar. He followed this up with an exquisite, defence garrotting pass to the rampaging Junior, which didn’t so much ask to be converted as vehemently insisted. There seemed no limit to what this team could accomplish. We were entering uncharted territory here and, for a generation of English teenagers raised on a decade of international failure, it felt like the romance and the wonder of World Cup football was finally, thrillingly, revealed. We were all Brazilians now.

At which point it all came crashing down.

Shot By Both Sides

 
Brazil went into the final second-stage group match against Italy needing only a draw to progress to the semi-final. There was nothing to suggest that it would be anything other than a routine exercise. Italy were in many ways the antithesis of Brazil – cautious, disciplined, occasionally brutal – and appeared over-reliant on a 40 year old goalkeeper (Zoff), a defender prone to acts of dubious legality (Gentile) and a misfiring striker recently returned from a two year match-fixing ban (Rossi). The outcome, surely, was a formality.

Well, not quite. This was the day Brazil's defensive failings were finally, fatally exposed. In a match still remembered as one of the finest in World Cup history, they fell behind on three occasions to an Italian team suddenly perfecting the art of the counter-attack. The previously anonymous Rossi struck a hat-trick, in a devastating display of predatory finishing; in response Brazil threw caution to the wind, unable or unwilling to abandon their free-flowing philosophy. It was an enthralling, compulsive spectacle, which, in hindsight, was as much a fight for the soul of the game as it was a struggle for a place in the last four.

With twenty minutes to go, a sumptuous Falcao strike brought the scores level at 2-2, which was enough to send Brazil through. A time surely for restraint, for prioritising the bigger picture at the expense of immediate glory? For most teams, yes. But the Brazil of 1982 were anything but most teams. And they weren't about to forego their principles if it meant settling for a draw.

So they kept on attacking. And, inevitably, it cost them the World Cup. An unmarked Rossi grabbed his third goal; Zoff denied logic in keeping out a last minute Oscar header; and Brazil, shockingly, were beaten. In the words of Zico, it was “the day football died.”




The result left a scar on Brazil's footballing psyche. It wasn't just a team that had been defeated in the Spanish sun, it was an ethos. Their failure may be seen as the point at which pragmatic, results-driven, safety-first football became the default, with flair and expression increasingly sacrificed at the expense of discipline and tactical rigidity. To this day few teams have successfully replicated the Brazilian template, the elusive 'jogo bonito,' although certain elements may be detected in the Liverpool of 1988, Arrigo Sacchi's AC Milan and the currently dominant Barcelona.

As for Brazil, they have captured the World Cup twice since the trauma of 1982, each time with teams that were largely lacking the fantasy of Zico and his colleagues. Were these victories any less sweet for being achieved through the harnessing of individual ability within an organised, practical outlook? I doubt it.

But don't expect me to think of them the way I think of the team that shone so brightly back in 1982. When Zico and Socrates and Eder and Junior showed that football could be magic. And when teenage kicks were played out in yellow and blue.

They're my memories and they'll always be with me.





Saturday, 21 April 2012

It Used To Be Special



[This article was originally published in Well Red magazine, issue 5, December 2010, at the height of the maelstrom that engulfed the club under Roy Hodgson.   It was updated to reflect Kenny Dalglish's return to the manager's position.  It has now been revised again, as we commemorate the 100th anniversary of Bill Shankly's birth, and as Brendan Rodgers begins his second season in charge. ]

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We’ve all seen the footage. The great Bill Shankly on the steps of St. George’s Hall, arms outstretched in messianic triumph. Below, thousands of exultant Liverpool fans hang expectantly on his every word. The rhetoric has passed into legend – “I’ve drummed it into our players….privileged to play for you….if they didn’t believe me, they believe me now.” Classic Shankly – humble, charismatic, inspirational.

What was perhaps most remarkable about this show of triumphant defiance was the immediate context. For this was never meant to be a celebration, the aftermath of some historic, trophy-yielding victory. Instead, the people lining the streets of the city centre that May afternoon in 1971 were still coming to terms with the previous day’s narrow Cup Final defeat against a functional, though hardly expansive, Arsenal team.

To Shankly, the result was almost an irrelevance. What mattered most was that the club he had built, its players and supporters, were united as one single, pulsing force. No part could function without the other; there was no ‘us’ and ‘them.’ And, inevitably, Shankly was the catalyst.

No other leader could ever hope to command such unswerving devotion from his followers, be they on the pitch or on the Kop, by sheer force of personality alone. He set the template, establishing a bond between Liverpool manager and Liverpool supporter that all his successors are expected to live up to. Four decades down the line, it’s a challenge that can still make or break a career.

The Need for Solidarity

 Football clubs are built on relationships. Relationships between players, between players and manager, between manager and board, and between board and owners. Under the calamitous regime of Hicks and Gillett, talk of fractured relationships at each level dominated whenever Liverpool’s affairs were discussed. The cumulative impact of such sustained negativity led to a steady deterioration in on-pitch performance and an associated rise in supporter disenchantment.

In such times, it is of vital importance that the fans feel a sense of solidarity and an understanding that they share common goals. The problem is that a united front can only really flourish under a universally-accepted figurehead. Someone with the capacity to command respect, to inspire belief and to provide assurance that collective dreams can be realised.

A leader.

Given Liverpool’s unique, sometimes tragic, heritage, at Anfield more than anywhere else this is perhaps the most significant relationship of all – the one between manager and supporters. A failure to fully appreciate this can lead to an irrevocable breakdown in trust which, once lost, can be impossible to recapture. Just ask Roy Hodgson.


It is not an exaggeration to suggest that no other Liverpool manager managed to alienate such a large proportion of the club’s fanbase in such a relatively short space of time. Whilst this was, to an extent, dictated by a series of unsatisfactory results and disappointing performances, there remains a real sense that something else may have been at play here. It seems very much as though Hodgson paid the price for failing to live up to the supporters’ ideal of what a Liverpool manager should represent.

The Manager as Charismatic Leader

We have come to demand certain standards of our managers. It goes without saying that, as a bare minimum, this should include tactical awareness, a winning mentality and a deeply ingrained knowledge of the game. But we also ask more. Just as the Catholic Church regards the Pope to be God’s representative on Earth, and committed Satanists hold up Simon Cowell as the physical embodiment of true evil, so to Liverpool supporters the manager acts as our ambassador in the dug-out. As such, we expect him to absorb and reflect our concerns, to fight our corner, to defend us against external attacks and, ultimately, to give us something to believe in. Simply put, we look to the manager to lead us into battle, and we follow, not blindly but willingly and with a keen appreciation of our collective strength.

Our club’s history suggests that, in order to fully galvanise this communal loyalty, the manager must exhibit some of the characteristics usually associated with political or religious leaders. Chief amongst these is the kind of personal charisma that commands high levels of devotion and serves to legitimise his authority in the eyes of the supporters.

This may almost be seen as an adapted form of ‘personality cult,’ where the aspirations and objectives of the leader become synonymous with those of the wider organisation or state (in this case, the football club itself). In this context, Shankly’s famous reference to the Liverpool supporters displaying a show of strength greater than Chairman Mao himself could summon, during that same 1971 homecoming speech, takes on an added significance.

All of which is not to say that a manager can survive and prosper on personality alone. Nor is it intended to suggest that someone less naturally given to charismatic flourishes will inevitably fail to elicit respect. We only have to look at Bob Paisley and remember the esteem in which he was held by Liverpool fans to see the flaw in that idea. However, it is perhaps true to say that, for all Paisley’s unprecedented on-field triumphs, he was never quite seen as the terrace advocate that Shankly, or even Benitez, was or engendered the kind of unequivocal adulation once reserved for Dalglish.

Whether by accident or design one of the by-products of the manager as ‘charismatic leader’ is his elevation to figurehead status, where the relationship with supporters becomes almost a symbiotic one, each side drawing from the intense conviction of the other. Although we can trace the origins of this bond back to Shankly and his inimitable rapport with the Kop, the canniest of his heirs have also understood its value. With varying degrees of success, Dalglish, Houllier and Benitez have all tried to re-establish the link, be it a conscious strategy or a consequence of shared adversity. Unfortunately for him, Roy Hodgson’s failure to engage the supporters in such a way more closely resembled the tarnished reign of Graeme Souness than any of his more illustrious predecessors.

The Special Relationship

Before Shankly, the manager’s primary responsibility had always been to satisfy and live up to the expectations of the board members. Though the manager (usually) picked and trained the team, there was never any doubt where the balance of power within clubs truly rested. Supporters, if they were considered at all, were a long way down the footballing food-chain, expected to pay their money, swing their rattles and accept that they had little influence in the affairs of the club they followed.

Shankly changed all that. To him, the club belonged to the people who stood on the Kop, not the board of directors, not the owners, not the cigar-chomping businessman with a seat in the executive box and a barely-suppressed yawn of indifference. When he spoke of football’s ‘holy trinity’ – the players, the manager and the supporters – he did so with an acute appreciation that the fans were the one constant factor in the union and made it his quest to reward their loyalty by instilling in them a sense of pride, purpose and belonging. To accomplish this, Shankly himself became Liverpool’s biggest fan. And because his fellow supporters could see this, and could see that every decision he took, or player he signed, or wisecrack he made was ultimately intended for the greater good of the club, the bond of trust became an unbreakable one. This, more than anything else, was his enduring legacy.




Despite the undoubted regard in which Liverpool supporters held both Paisley and his short-term successor, Joe Fagan, it took the appointment of Dalglish, initially as player-manager, to restore the sense that the man in the top job was someone completely in tune with their ideals. Obviously it helped that he was already regarded by many as the club’s greatest-ever player, and so was immediately afforded the sort of goodwill that was arguably withheld from Hodgson, but over the course of his stewardship Kenny proved time and again that the interests and well-being of the fans were his priority.

He swatted away Alex Ferguson’s juvenile barbs like a woodsman dispatching a diseased elm; he created a team that brought fantasy football to life; and, most poignantly, he bore the suffering of Hillsborough with unmatched dignity and provided the kind of leadership in the aftermath of the tragedy that will never be forgotten. Ultimately the immense burden told on Dalglish, but his continued deification amongst followers of Liverpool FC is testament to his success as someone who has always understood what the club means to its fanbase.

Ironically, this was only emphasised by the actions of another playing legend-turned-manager, Graeme Souness. In selling the story of his heart surgery to the same publication that had printed baseless, repulsive lies about the supporters, Souness effectively destroyed any prospect of emulating the sort of relationship with them that his two countrymen had forged. As he learnt to his cost, betrayal, of the supporters, the club and its tradition, is one thing that will not be tolerated.

The Outsiders

On paper at least, it follows that any manager will find it significantly more of a challenge to establish the reciprocal closeness with the fans that Shankly and Dalglish enjoyed if they are, to all intents and purposes, ‘outsiders.’ Scousers are, by nature, initially suspicious when someone with no prior connection looks to advance in their city and, by extension, their football club. Though respect may be given, genuine, unqualified support will not be forthcoming until the interloper’s intentions and methods have been squarely ascertained. Both Houllier and Benitez were astute enough to see that their chances of success would be enhanced if they could harness the power of a staunchly committed support.

It is now often overlooked but up until his penultimate season in charge, Houllier enjoyed almost universal acclaim from the Liverpool fans. The fact that he restored the club’s pride and moulded a team that was again able to compete for (and win) silverware undoubtedly influenced his standing. However, there was also a real belief that Houllier understood the Liverpool ethos and was following the blueprint laid down during the ‘60s revolution. On more than one occasion, the chant that went up from the Kop was “Are you Shankly in disguise,” a mantra that was as well-intentioned as it was premature.

Eventually, Houllier was undone by his tactical inflexibility and his failure to build on the foundations he’d put in place, but it was also felt that a prickly arrogance and growing lack of humility were traits not befitting the role of Liverpool manager. Despite his achievements, there were few dissenters when his tenure came to an end.

By contrast, the Benitez regime spawned some of the most zealous and fiercely protective displays of loyalty that any ex-manager could hope to witness. This is perhaps unsurprising given Rafa’s continued efforts to position himself firmly on the side of the supporters and the widely held notion that, for the latter part of his time at the club, he stood alone against an untrustworthy, discredited hierarchy. Although not averse to exploiting his popularity in the interests of political manoeuvring, there can be no doubt that Benitez fully embraced both the club and the city’s unique fibre.




Endless attacks by ill-informed media drones and Ferguson’s moribund old-boys’ network only heightened his iconic status in the eyes of many supporters, while his integrity, passion and willingness to stand up for what he believed in resonated strongly with those old enough to remember the Shankly years. Crucially, in the eyes of some these traits only served to highlight his successor’s perceived deficiencies.

Roy Hodgson was not the manager most Liverpool fans wanted.

From the outset he was met with guarded suspicion and a nagging belief that, in different circumstances and with a more stable structure in place, he would not even have made the short-list. It took only a handful of league games before such misgivings gave way to hostility and, increasingly, open resentment. What was most noticeable was the speed at which this antipathy took on a personal tone, as internet forums quickly raged with comments ridiculing his appearance, his speech, his age and (perhaps justifiably) his tactics.

At the heart of this lay an overriding, though uncomfortable, truth. Hodgson wasn’t one of ‘us.’ He didn’t comprehend what the club represents to the supporters, he failed to grasp the basic tenets of humility and dignity that Shankly laid down, and his public utterances were self-serving exercises in buck-passing and negativity. In short, he was a symbol of a despised and dysfunctional regime.

Amidst the tumult, legitimate criticism was frequently overtaken by vitriolic abuse. Oddly, much of the fiercest censure stemmed from those who, six months earlier, had insisted that Benitez should be afforded appropriate levels of respect and patience. That the same courtesies were not extended to Hodgson is testament to both his unrivalled unpopularity with supporters and the desire to see the manager’s post filled by someone capable of upholding its fundamental values.

The Return of the Native

In asking Dalglish to replace Hodgson, the new Liverpool owners demonstrated a canny understanding of the importance, at that particular time, of re-establishing the bond between manager and supporters. The need for stability, for everyone to be seen to be pulling in the same direction after the upheaval and disharmony that had passed, was paramount. And there is no man more in tune with what that entails than Kenny Dalglish.

For the first time in years, bitter recriminations and internal rifts were put to one side. The Liverpool of old was back, as dignity, empathy and ambition usurped sniping, self-interest and defeatism. For a while at least.

However, it is perhaps a sign of the times that even the King of the Kop, a true icon of the club, fell victim to the kind of shabby denigration from professed Liverpool supporters that would once have been unimaginable. That this, on occasion, crossed into the kind of unacceptable, ugly invective that plagued Hodgson (and, to an extent, Benitez) may be seen as a sign that the relationship with the fans has been damaged, perhaps irreparably.

It now falls to Brendan Rodgers to add his name to the illustrious roll-call of managers who have served the club with distinction.  Though his first season was often an uncomfortable one, starting as it did in the wake of Dalglish's brutal sacking and the apparent snubbing of Benitez, there are clear signs that Rodgers has come to terms with the demands of his position and is establishing a structure and a rapport that bode well for the future.  It goes without saying that the more successful the team is, the more willing the Anfield crowd will be to accept him as one of their own.

Whether the current Liverpool manager can live up to the supporters’ expectations remains to be seen. But, like Shankly outside St. George’s Hall, if he can get them to buy into his vision, if he can take them with him and build a potent, unified force, then this special relationship could once more be the springboard to lasting success.

Friday, 17 December 2010

THE END OF THE LATE SHOW


Something weird happened to me whilst watching Liverpool’s latest attempt to single-handedly decimate Channel 5 viewing figures. It wasn’t the realisation that my time would be better spent juggling steak-knives or frowning at spiders. Nor was it the comforting thought that, no matter how bad things may appear, there’s always another Jean Claude Van Damme film just around the corner to put everything into perspective.

No, this particular epiphany occurred roughly three quarters of the way through the ‘action’ and related to a remark made by the increasingly desperate, incident-starved commentator. As Liverpool prepared to plant a corner squarely on the forehead of a grateful Utrecht defender a flicker of excitement entered his voice and, with baseless optimism temporarily overcoming grim reality, he confidently asserted that this was the time when the home team were at their most dangerous. Now I don’t have the precise quote to hand, struggling as I was to simultaneously retain consciousness and the will to live. But I swear that was the gist: that Liverpool’s threat is at its greatest in the closing stages of a game.

Bald
To qualify the statement, it was quickly pointed out that this applied in the main to Europa League fixtures. Indeed, the bald truth is that we have scored a highly creditable six goals so far this season after the 75th minute mark (a figure I have decided to use as an arbitrary ‘lateness indicator’) in that tournament alone. Admittedly three of these occurred in a single game, the Steven Gerrard hat-trick against Napoli. But still. Six late goals. Mustn’t grumble.

It was then that I let my mind wander which, given the paucity of activity on show at Anfield, was a distraction to be warmly embraced, like a wealthy relative in a hospital bed. I cast my mind back to happier times, when trophies arrived with the frequency of raindrops in an English summer, and when Liverpool’s status as ‘masters of the late goal’ was unchallenged.

Jelly
Back then, throughout the ‘70s and ‘80s, it seemed that Liverpool matches followed one of two distinct patterns. Either we destroyed teams, overpowering them, outplaying them, handing out football lessons like jelly at a crèche. Or we bided our time, tested the opposition’s resistance, absorbed their best efforts, before striking in the nick of time, breaking the hearts of those deluded enough to think they could hold us at bay. The amount of games that were won as the final whistle approached passed into legend.

Sadly, as the demise of the ‘90s took hold so the late-goal baton made its way along the M62, taking up residence at the shrine of brashness, self-aggrandisement and wispy little moustaches, Old Trafford.

Which isn’t to say that we suddenly stopped scoring late goals, as if they had somehow been banished by Graeme Souness along with winning football and moral decency. It's just that, given our failure to consistently challenge for the highest honours, the importance of those goals was proportionately lessened.

Notched
All of which led me to undertake a bit of research. Because I was fairly certain that, for all our epoch-defining, heroic escapades in European football's version of the X Factor auditions (difficult to watch, low on quality, and faintly embarrassing to be involved in), late goals had been conspicuously missing from this season's league performances.

So, taking the 75 minute mark as my guide, I attempted to discover the reality. How many late goals have we notched this season? How many have been conceded? And how do the findings stack up when compared to totals from the last decade?

Roy Hodgson, you may wish to look away now…

In 17 games Liverpool have so far played in the Premier League this season, Maxi Rodriguez’s late strike in the away win at Bolton remains the only goal we have scored beyond the 75th minute. That’s it. One goal. Meanwhile, Andy Carroll’s bludgeoned injury time effort past Pepe Reina in the disappointing defeat at Newcastle was the sixth goal we have conceded in the same time-frame. That paints a fairly disconcerting picture however you want to look at it.

By way of comparison I also looked at the overall statistics for every season since Gerard Houllier’s first campaign in sole charge (1999/00). Now it should be pointed out that the figures represent the total number of late goals occurring over the course of the entire season, rather than in the first 17 games, and, as such, do not provide for a like-for-like evaluation. But they do underline the fact that, to even come close to matching the performance over the previous decade, major improvements are required in the second half of the season.

Goals Scored After the 75th Minute

Season -------------For-------Against

2010/11---------------1 --------6
(after 17 games)

2009/10--------------15--------7

2008/09--------------27--------7

2007/08--------------19------- 9

2006/07--------------10--------4

2005/06--------------15--------7

2004/05--------------10--------7

2003/04 -------------14--------8

2002/03--------------15--------15

2001/02--------------15--------5

2000/01--------------17--------9

1999/00--------------12--------3



As the table shows, the general pattern suggests that, on average, since 1999 Liverpool have scored just over twice as many goals in the closing 15 minutes of league matches as they have conceded. Give or take a couple of seasons that may be seen as anomalies in the wider context (2008/09 for goals scored and 2002/03 for goals conceded), this statistic remains constant throughout the Houllier and Benitez eras. It takes neither a mathematical nor a football genius to see that, under Roy Hodgson, we have so far failed to offer the kind of threat late in games that, historically, we have come to expect, and our capacity for resisting pressure in the closing stages is significantly reduced.

Bieber
Of course, it is only fair to look at these findings in relation to the performance of other teams within the division. Perhaps Liverpool’s record is on a par with our rivals, perhaps it just hasn’t been one of those seasons where late goals fly around like pheromones at a Justin Bieber concert.

Well, not quite. Examination of similar data for all the other top flight teams paints a predictably grim picture. Taking Liverpool out of the equation, the average number of goals scored per Premier League club after the 75th minute is a wholly respectable 6.8. Or, to put it another way, nearly seven times the total managed by Hodgson’s team. Even worse, our single late goal is comfortably the lowest tally in the division. The teams currently occupying the bottom five places have each scored four goals in the closing 15 minutes of matches, whilst even fellow strugglers Everton have struck late on seven occasions. At the top of the pile, Arsenal have amassed 11 late goals so far, closely followed by Man United, West Brom and Bolton on ten.

The six goals conceded by Liverpool in the final stages is in line with the average for all Premier League teams this season, and is perhaps the only crumb of comfort to be gained from this exercise.

Van Damme
So what does all this tell us? Apart from the fact that I clearly have too much time on my hands?

Well, it’s all just supposition but questions may conceivably be asked of the team’s mentality, fitness and approach. Particularly in away games our tendency to sit deep as the match progresses, inviting pressure and diminishing the chance for sustained possession in the opposition half, inevitably results in more goal-scoring opportunities for our opponents. Similarly, there has been a pattern in recent home games of Liverpool establishing a lead and then preserving the advantage as the second half progresses, rather than decisively looking to add to the score. It’s a safety first approach which, though when deployed from of a position of clear advantage may help to secure a result, at times only emphasises the fallibilities of an underperforming squad.

I have been less vocal than many in my criticisms of Hodgson this season, accepting that any new manager requires a bedding-in period to enable his vision for the future to be developed and implemented. Given the turmoil surrounding the club at the time of his appointment, and the fall-out from a desperately disappointing season that ultimately cost the previous manager his job, it was only to be expected that progress would be slow to arrive.

However, the only conclusion that can be drawn from much of the available statistical evidence is that, on the pitch at least, Liverpool have gone into regression. Be it late goals, away wins, possession figures, number of defeats, points won from a losing position, the signs all point to a team struggling to translate the ideals of the manager into a successful formula. At which point those ideals must come under serious objective scrutiny, as there is little point in flogging to death a plan that repeatedly fails to come to fruition.

The alternative, one which an increasing number of Liverpool supporters favour, is to dispense with the manager. It’s certain that John Henry and his associates will give careful consideration to every option. The decision they reach will determine whether Liverpool can start to claw their way back to the pinnacle of European football. Or whether a lifetime of Jean Claude Van Damme films is the best we can look forward to.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

The Noble Art of the Own Goal

Let’s face it, everyone loves an own goal.

Be it a lumbering centre-half wildly slashing a loose ball past his team’s immobile keeper, an over-compensating beanpole striker forcefully nodding a last-minute corner into his own net or Gary Neville aiming a lazy punt at a particularly uncooperative divot in the England 6 yard box, there’s something inherently and unashamedly comical about the whole shabby business.

If I were to analyse it on a psychological level, I’m sure I’d blow out some old guff about ‘schadenfreude’, the extraction of pleasure from the misfortune of others or, in the sage words of Lisa Simpson, ‘shameful joy’. But in reality it’s even more basic than that. It’s pure slapstick. If lab-coated boffins were to magically teleport Laurel and Hardy into the 21st century they wouldn’t waste their time trying to manoeuvre oversized pianos up ominously steep staircases. No, they’d be lining up alongside Titus Bramble in Wigan’s back four, firing a steady stream of over-hit backpasses at Chris Kirkland’s oddly shaped nut.

Look at Jonathan Woodgate’s Real Madrid debut. After being ruled out for the best part of a decade with a succession of ruptured hair-slides, how did the mop-topped student stomper mark his inaugural appearance at the Bernabeu? By carefully boncing a friendly long-range effort past a frankly miffed-looking Iker Casillas, of course. That he followed this up by getting himself sent off only confirmed Woody’s status as the clown prince of continental defending. Rumours persist that a desire to swap his gleaming Mercedes for a collapsing tricycle and his insistence on wearing an oversized, suspicious-looking flower in his lapel only served to hasten his Madrid exit.

And who could ever forget Bury’s Chris Brass? (Alright, you can put your hands down now, I was being rhetorical. Pedants!) He’s the poor sap who attempted an intricate overhead back-post clearance but succeeded only in volleying the ball squarely into his own mush, for it to rebound like a bunny in a catapult into his own net. And, to add injury to insult, name-calling and a fair bit of pointing and laughing, he managed to break his nose in the process. Genius. Pure genius.

Of course, the mirth is tempered somewhat when the hapless protagonist plays for your team. And Liverpool games have involved more than their share of notable own goals over the years. From the heartbreaking to the hilarious to the downright bizarre, our matches have thrown up some of the classics of the genre. So, without further ado, and after much deliberation, I present to you my rundown of the 10 Greatest Liverpool-Related Own Goals. Think of them kindly.


10 – Steven Gerrard, v Chelsea, Carling Cup Final, 2005.
The Liverpool captain does his bit to assure anxious fans that rumours of an imminent move to Chelsea are unfounded. By heading a late equaliser for Mourinho’s unlovely gang of mercenaries, cheats and wideboys. Thankfully, he resists the urge to leap into the arms of an adoring John Terry whilst being offered a pork scratching by Big-Boned Frank. Grim rather than funny this one. Oh well.

9 – Delfi Geli, Alaves, UEFA Cup Final, 2001.
Clearly aware of Liverpool’s record in penalty shoot-outs, the Alaves defender takes the honourable way out and opts to fall on his sword, ostentatiously deflecting Gary McAllister’s last minute free-kick past a stranded keeper.

8 – Brian Laws, Nottingham Forest, FA Cup Semi Final (2nd match), 1989
Whilst this semi final was rightly overshadowed by the horrific events of the original fixture, it is hard to forget the Forest full-back’s contribution to an ultimately comfortable Liverpool victory. He planted a perfect header firmly into his own net, before suffering further indignity as a delighted John Aldridge playfully patted him on the head, in the same manner that an indulgent dog owner would reward an obedient pooch for fetching a stick.

7 – Avi Cohen, v Aston Villa, Division 1, 1980
The “Beckenbauer of the Middle East” made his name in this game, which ensured that yet another title would be winging its way back to Anfield. In the first half he sliced a clearance which looped over Ray Clemence’s head in a perfect arc before nestling snugly in the bottom corner. Made amends by firing home in the right end to seal the victory. He never got over the shock.

6 – Jamie Carragher, v West Ham, FA Cup Final, 2006
Another of those ‘funny in hindsight, though at the time I could have strangled a kitten’ incidents. If you watch Carra’s feet closely, he is clearly trying to back-heel the ball out of harm’s way. Unfortunately, he misses, connects instead with his standing foot, topples face first into the Cardiff turf and sets West Ham on the way to a 2-0 lead. Walks away with a face redder than Bradley from Eastenders. But of course, we forgive him. After all, it’s Carra, for God’s sake!

5 – Phil Neville, Everton, Premiership, 2006
Now this is more like it. After all, what could be funnier than seeing an Everton player, an ex- Man. United player, a Neville, leave his own keeper clutching at thin air in the Anfield derby. It’s like winning the National Lottery, only as an added reward they’re going to throw in a lifetime’s supply of Scampi Fries, a pair of x-ray goggles and a helmet made out of giant magnets. Outstanding.

4 – Sandy Brown, Everton, Division 1, 1969
This effort will always hold a special place in the hearts of Reds of a certain age. Some wing trickery from Peter Thompson down the left, a curling cross delivered to the edge of the 6 yard box, a stunning dive header from the Everton clogger performed with all the grace of hippo on a skateboard, the sound of 10,000 jaws simultaneously dropping in the Gwladys Street end. Priceless.

3 – Ronnie Whelan, v Man. United, Division 1, 1990
By this stage in his career the Irish magician and latter-day simpleton had developed a reputation for spectacular, long range curlers which left goalkeepers rooted to the spot. Usually the goalkeepers in question belonged to the opposition. Not in this case. Happily this was nought but an amusing distraction in what was an otherwise routine stroll to a 2-1 Old Trafford victory. But in terms of quality, style and execution it should have walked away with the Turner Prize.

2 – Djimi Traore, v Burnley, FA Cup, 2005
Like the shooting of JFK, the downfall of Thatcher or Bez winning Celebrity Big Brother, no-one who witnessed it will ever be able to forget where they were the night Djimi Traore’s mind was possessed by the spirit of Johann Cruyff. Unfortunately nobody bothered to pass the message on to Djimi’s feet. Just to clarify, fancy drag-backs a yard in front of your goal are inadvisable even with the footballing ability of an Alan Hansen, let alone an Alan Titchmarsh.

1 – Gary Sprake, Leeds United, Division 1, 1967
Quite simply the greatest thing a Leeds player has ever done on a football pitch. For the uninitiated, this is what happened. Wales goalie Sprake, no stranger to the blooper reel as it was, collected the ball in the Kop goalmouth and looked to quickly bowl it out to hatchet-faced left-back, Terry Cooper. However, whilst in the act of throwing he changed his mind, attempted to clutch the ball to his chest and, to levels of hilarity unknown outside of Russ Abbott’s Mad House, somehow managed to fling it purposefully over his shoulder and into his own net. Cue the Kop erupting as one into a chorus of popular anarchist singer Des O’Connor’s latest chart-topper, ‘Careless Hands’.

And so a legend was born, a career was in tatters and the power and mystery of the humble own goal was firmly established as a part of football’s ragged tapestry. Just ask Chris Brass.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

The Importance of Beating Everton




There's never a bad way to win the derby. Granted, not every victory sparkles like a Cup Final triumph, a four-goal Rush demolition or a last minute Gary Mac miracle strike. But in terms of performance, commitment and overall context, it's hard to think of a more satisfying result against the Blue-Nosed Barbarians than the one on Saturday.

Because, and without wanting to veer into the realms of melodrama more suited to the Sky Sports production office, this was a game Liverpool really couldn't afford to lose. For all kinds of reasons.

Of course, a defeat in itself wouldn't have signalled the end of our top four aspirations. Nor would it have provided compelling evidence of a seismic power-shift in Merseyside's football landscape. But it would have been perhaps the sharpest dagger yet in the hearts of supporters slowly rediscovering a measure of belief, in their team, in their manager and perhaps in themselves, in the midst of this most tumultuous of seasons.

Whilst not performing with the remorseless intensity or unyielding conviction of the previous campaign, we have in recent weeks quietly established the foundations for a sustained push up the table. Six games unbeaten, five without conceding, pointed to a team regaining its solidity and, although the football on display was often functional rather than fluid, it's been enough to send the media vultures flitting away in search of fresh carrion (dutifully provided by relentless charm vacuum, England's Brave John Terry).

To have endured another setback here, against our bitterest (in all senses of the word) rivals, would have reignited the debate about Benitez’s competence, a debate that has been framed in such a way by the popular press as to leave no-one in any doubt as to the conclusions they are meant to arrive at. And, as is generally the case with such an emotive issue, the resulting divisions and recriminations serve only to foster the kind of instability that seldom ends well for anyone.

So the importance of Dirk Kuyt’s sharply-taken 55th minute header can not be over-stated. In truth, this was the kind of game Kuyt thrives on. He’s never going to be found wanting when commitment, hard work and physical presence are the essential requirements, and his performance here was a timely reminder to those who have questioned his worth and his place in the team. Quite simply, Kuyt was an example to all - tireless when Everton were in possession, closing down, harrying, intercepting, yet always available as an outlet when his team were on the offensive. His performance typified Liverpool’s grim determination to take three points, a conviction only heightened by their numerical disadvantage.

Referee Atkinson’s decision to dismiss Kyrgiakos could perhaps be justified given his view of the incident, which emphasised the centre-back’s lunge whilst masking Fellaini’s ugly follow-through. However, many of his other judgements revealed a degree of eccentricity, ineptitude and wrong-headedness on a par with Jedward covering the Velvet Underground’s ‘Heroin.’

How Pienaar managed to escape with just a yellow card for his despicable over-the-ball challenge on Mascherano would have left David Blaine flummoxed; that he received the exact same punishment for an innocuous leap towards Gerrard only emphasised the referee’s failure to exert any consistent measure of control. Similarly, Fellaini could count himself fortunate to receive no censure when attempting to volley Kuyt’s head from his shoulders.

Happily this was to be a day, unlike many this season, where inadequate refereeing did not materially affect the final result. In fact, it may be said that the loss of Fellaini, a man with the appearance and demeanour of something living in a ditch on Sesame Street, had a greater impact on Everton than the dismissal of Kyrgiakos had on Liverpool, given his aerial prowess and combative nature. The introduction of a half-fit Arteta as a replacement ultimately worked in Liverpool’s favour, given the lack of time and space in midfield and the relative ease with which his ambition was suppressed.

This was a victory to belie the oft-repeated notion of Liverpool as a two-man team. That’s not to denigrate the contribution of Steven Gerrard, who gave a performance of thoughtfulness and controlled passion to indicate at last that his peak form is returning. But collectively, Liverpool were immense. Matching Kuyt’s guts and industry every step of the way were Mascherano and Carragher, each displaying the kind of commitment and leadership that were perhaps absent earlier in the season. Reina, surely a shoo-in for the Player of the Year shortlist, was as dependable as we’ve come to expect; Insua demonstrated that he possesses the defensive capabilities to complement his attacking instincts; N’Gog ensured that the Everton defenders were constantly under pressure and underlined that, if he can only improve his decision-making, he could become a significant force at the highest level.

In terms of organisation, character, composure and ultimately, elation, Saturday’s derby brought back memories of the first Champions League semi-final against Chelsea. Obviously, and without wanting to go too far down the road of belittling Everton (which, after all, is never the most challenging of tasks), there exists a vast gulf in the quality of opposition in the two matches. But, from Liverpool’s perspective, getting somewhere near that level of self-belief and unity can only be a positive.

It remains to be seen whether we can build on this and achieve the kind of consistency required to push for a top four finish. In this respect, the next two games will be hugely instructive. But with the likes of Torres, Benayoun and Johnson to return, and with Gerrard, Aquilani, Rodriguez and Riera getting closer to full fitness, it’s fair to say that, after what seems like a long, miserable winter, we can finally allow ourselves to look ahead with cautious optimism.

That's what a derby win can do for you. And that's why we should treasure every one.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

PiL - Leeds O2 Academy, 16 December 2009




‘Proper Music for Proper People’

…with five words that effectively combine knowing flattery and assured arrogance, and which, at a stroke, serve to whisk us away from a landscape of joyless karaoke mannequins and corporate death-merchants, John Lydon takes the stage.

It’s been a long time.

A time spent in and out of the public gaze. A time when the legendary Rotten sneer has been co-opted by the mainstream to flog butter or to engineer pantomime dread for prime-time reality shows. A time when the most notorious band on the planet was repeatedly blu-tacked back together to provide vaudevillian nostalgia kicks in the name of filthy lucre, with Uncle Johnny content to ham it up as leery cheerleader.

It’s not as if the world has been crying out for PiL. If anything, the world has been getting along quite nicely thank you, what with Oasis and Kylie and Gareth Gates and Jay-Z and Lady Gaga and everything. There’s not been much call for darkly experimental, stark and uncompromising post-punk. Or if there has, demand has been sated by the slew of neo-Joy Division copyists, encompassing the good (Interpol), the bad (Editors) and the hideous (White Lies).

So, to choose this precise moment for the not-altogether-hotly anticipated relaunch of PiL, the venture closest to Lydon's heart and the one that captures his essence more precisely than any number of Pistols reunions could ever hope to, seems a typically perverse and defiantly risky act. And one that, right now, in the midst of a naturally sceptical Leeds crowd, makes perfect sense.

In short, Lydon is mesmerising. Patrolling the stage like an evil scout-leader, he's a whirlwind of activity - in turn cajoling, clowning, preaching, upbraiding, confessing, emoting, showing-off; he is surprisingly avuncular and, on occasion, touchingly tender. Unlike Head Bunnyman, Ian McCulloch, at the same venue 24 hours earlier (who seemed intent on cultivating an atmosphere of tension and confrontation), Lydon takes the audience with him, firmly coaxing them out of initial reticence into untethered delight and, eventually, something approaching full-on rapture.

What is perhaps most startling is the voice. Lydon's trademark yelp has been analysed, dissected, ridiculed and dismissed in the years since the Pistols first exploded into the national consciousness, to the point where it practically exists as a cultural artefact in its own right, carrying with it more baggage than Mariah Carey's wardrobe assistant. What is perhaps less often noted is that it is also a thrillingly potent weapon, an instrument in its own right which pointedly defies categorisation or lazy stereotyping. Nowhere is this more evident than in a hauntingly powerful 'Death Disco,' a masterclass in anguished howling, pleading desperation and the dredging of raw emotion from grief-riddled memories. It is a moving, uncomfortable, oddly uplifting experience.

Of course, PiL worked best when Lydon was surrounded by musicians who shared his vision, and who were able to translate it into the kind of conflict and creativity often required to produce something of lasting artistic worth. Admittedly, the 2009 vintage does not include a Levene, a Wobble or a McGeoch. But few bands do. Instead we have a sharp, solid, experienced outfit injecting a welcome freshness into well-loved songs that have lain dormant for too long, whilst never threatening to snatch the spotlight away from the main attraction (as if Uncle Johnny would ever allow that to happen).

Which is not to say that there isn't the occasional glitch, most noticeably when ex-Pop Group drummer Bruce Smith brings one song to a close a verse early. But whereas Lydon would once have responded with insults, psychotic glares and threats of violence, he now manages to rein in his obvious irritation with recourse only to the mildest of rebukes. It's like watching Pol Pot playfully ruffling the hair of a child who caught him with the old 'pull my finger' gag. Truly, this is a dictator reborn.

With Scott Firth valiantly attempting to approximate Wobble's elastic dubbiness, it is left to multi-instrumentalist Lu Edmonds to provide the sonic trickery and invention. Despite a somewhat worrying resemblance to Oliver's Fagin after a night on the class A's, Edmonds gives an impressive virtuoso performance, switching effortlessly between electric and acoustic guitars and a range of instruments that a more musically literate chap than myself would probably be able to identify without much bother. As it stands, I'll say that they seem vaguely Eastern European and a bit, well, 'funny'-looking. Technical minutiae aside, it is a rare treat to watch a man attack his guitar strings with what looks like an illuminated miniature face-fan.

After an exultant run-through of hard-dance Leftfield collaboration, 'Open Up,' an exhausted Lydon departs. He has pulled it off. He has reclaimed his throne and has a mass of disciples hanging loyally on his every utterance. Just the way he likes it. Who gives a shit about 1976, or, for that matter, next week? For now, for two hours, PiL is once again the only band that matters.

Mummy, why can't all music be proper music?